Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Abdo angst and 'the future' fears

Things haven't been great.
I've got really significant abdominal problems at the moment. My abdomen is swollen and really uncomfortable and I feel really nauseous. It feels totally wrong and I feel really not right in general. I saw my GP on Monday to sort out my prescriptions but he picked up that I didn't seem myself so I said I really wasn't feeling well and ended up explaining that I was feeling sick and my abdomen was sore etc. He examined me and has taken me off all my deficiencies meds for a week to see whether they're causing the problem and I see him again next Friday. So far not taking the tablets hasn't really helped. He also noticed my weakness when I was trying to sit up after lying down for the examination- he was shocked and said it was a real eye-opener for him; he seemed genuinely concerned. He asked whether my consultant was aware and I said that I'd mentioned my weakness in the past but think that I'm often misinterpreted as meaning weakness as in tiredness, when I really mean true significant loss of strength. I opened up and explained that nothing seemed right recently and I seemed to have so many new symptoms and so much seemed worse and there didn't seem to be an obvious explanation- I think he could totally see where I was coming from. Hopefully between me, him and my consultants we'll work something out.. It certainly feels to me like we're missing something.

I've got physio tomorrow and haven't been able to do any hand exercises for nearly 2 weeks now because my hands have simply been too painful, so I'm expecting very little, if any, progress.

I had a difficult conversation with someone earlier which has made me reflect a lot today upon my future and how realistic my aims are. I'm certain about my dreams and aspirations about where I want to be, but the uncertainties in my life (i.e. my health), over which I have little-no control, are likely to have a huge influence on whether these can become a reality. After considerable thought on the matter, I can't see that making any decision now regarding what may or may not be the case in the future makes any logical sense, particularly given the uncertainty I am facing at the moment. I appreciate that my avoiding thinking far ahead due to my uneasiness associated with the realisation that my dreams may never become a reality sometimes leads to a lack of realism about my situation, but there's no way of knowing what lies around the corner for any one of us. There's no way of knowing whether I will be significantly better, similar or significantly worse in a few years time, but anyone could develop an illness of any kind at any point and they don't dwell on that, so why should I plan my life taking into consideration the worst possible scenarios? I know I have to be realistic about things but hope and aspiration are what keep me going, and no-one has the right to take those away from me. Only I can know when walking away is my best/only option. I'm more than aware that I've gone downhill a lot in the last few months but personally I see that as a reason to try to take each day as it comes rather than dwelling on what could lie in the future.

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