It's been another challenging weekend.
I just feel completely drained.
I've pushed and pushed and pushed all week and now my body is fighting back. I've fallen back into the classic boom-and-bust/push-crash cycle that CFS'ers are meant to avoid. But how else are we meant to get anything done?
Gosh I hurt. I can't actually think of one part of me that isn't sore. And trying to keep my eyes open is an actual effort. I'm 21 for goodness sake, not 91.
I hate weekends like this, and I hate them even more when I have work to do and deadlines looming. I'm desperate to prove that I can do this, that I can be successful, that I am still capable- but I'm not sure whether I'm trying to prove it to them or myself anymore.
But I will do what I can today, and will get some rest, in the hope of being able to face tomorrow with a smile on my face.
I don't understand why things are so bad, and I'm still not sure exactly how bad things are.. After my collapse last week I'm feeling more nervous than normal about doing things.
I see my doctor again on Monday to see what my consultant has recommended to treat my vitamin d deficiency, but that really is the least of my problems at the moment. I don't even know what else to discuss with him- it becomes so difficult to prioritise when it feels like your whole body is falling apart. I just want it all to stop. I spent basically all day yesterday lying in bed resting with my eyes shut- I've got so much I should have been doing.. It's really frustrating and I feel really let down by my body.
I know everyone has challenges in their life but I just need a break from the constant onslaught of CFS. I just want a day of feeling well to make things seem easier again.
But I'll take a deep breath, and do my best, which is all I can do, and tomorrow will undoubtedly be another day and will hopefully bring less pain and more energy :)