I'm still doing relatively ok, but things aren't quite as rosy as they were seeming when I last posted. Don't get me wrong- things are still amazing with poppy, I'm just not as well as I was- I'm having a lot of difficulty with abdominal pains again and am feeling exhausted and really sick.
I'm feeling a little bit low. The nausea is overwhelming, and I'm really not sure what else there is left to try.. I've tried so many different nausea meds with no success: antiemetics they give to cancer sufferers going through chemo, motion sickness drugs, antihistamines that supposedly help nausea, IBS meds, meds to reduce stomach acid- you name it I've tried it... yet it seems likely that my poor GP is once again going to be faced with a desperate me sat in his chair, begging for some relief from this oppressive nausea.
My digestive system hates me. But hey- so does most of the rest of my body.
I've got to the point of feeling utterly 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' again. It happens. I've been ill for well over 3 and a half years, by now I know that this will be a transient feeling, I've just got to ride it out.
Chronic illness is non-stop and no-one can cope with it perfectly 100% of the time. Even if they claim to, it's very likely that they're just not admitting when secretly they are in turmoil. It's natural, it's nothing for anyone to freak out about- of course everyone who is in constant pain and feeling utterly ill every single second of every day isn't going to be ok with that and accept it all of the time- that would be more unnatural than once in a while feeling cross and bleurgh about it all. I feel entitled to have the occasional few hours feeling like my life is naff. It doesn't do anyone any harm.
It is only a problem when you get stuck long-term in this episode of down-ness, and can't see a way out. It happens, it's not anyone's fault, and absolutely no-one should be made to feel like it is- sometimes people just get to the end of what they can deal with, they can't cope any-more. That is depression, which is not what I'm talking about here (if you think you could be suffering from depression, please, please talk to someone and seek help)- yes, it's common in the chronic illness community, for obvious reasons, but grief and sorrow are even more prevalent, and nobody should be denied the right to express these emotions either. People with chronic illness have lost a lot, they have to be allowed to grieve for the healthy life they once had, it's all part of acceptance.
Curling up feeling sorry for myself is my plan of action for tonight, and I make no apologies for that, and anyone else feeling the same- go ahead and feel whatever you want to feel, and I send virtual hugs and best wishes in your direction.
Tomorrow, things will almost certainly seem brighter. I'm sharing this purely for realism. There are lots of dark times with chronic illness, for a multitude of reasons, and if blogs only ever show people's optimistic thoughts, then those in periods of pessimism are left feeling like no-one understands. The truth is that we all understand, everyone human has down days. If you're feeling low, don't deny yourself the opportunity to express these emotions, just ride them out and get through it. Hang on in there, light is waiting at the end of the tunnel, and don't forget- it's perfectly natural.