It's a bit of an obvious thing to say given that I have been ill with CFS for 4 years, but right now I'm sick of being sick. I've been in bed for a couple of days now and I know that's nothing compared to some people out there, but it's getting mind-numbingly boring. I tried to get up and go out this morning and nearly passed out in the shower, and then nearly threw up, not the ideal start to the day. I've retreated back to bed, in the hope that a second attempt later on will go better!
I had a couple of very near-faints yesterday. One was trying to walk to the bathroom, so kind of fair enough, I quickly fell to the ground, put my legs up the wall, and was rather pleased to have saved myself from the nasty coming-round. Another, however, was when I was propped up in bed. I was somewhere between lying and sitting, really wouldn't have thought I could manage to pass out like that, but my wonderful body tried. At least it was easy to just slide down the bed to get flat.. The stupid thing is, if I'd fully fainted without moving anywhere, I couldn't have fallen anywhere- I was well supported- so fainting wouldn't have achieved anything anyway.
I had a dizzy, nauseous, painy day yesterday, but thankfully not as painy as the day before. I'm back to my normal levels of medications now, which is good. Unfortunately I actually felt more in need of silence and my eyes shut most of yesterday, so got really, really bored. I can always tell I'm starting to make progress when I start to feel bored. When you're desperately ill, you don't feel bored, you just feel sick, really sick. You don't care or think about anything really, just feeling less sick, you don't really feel bored. It's therefore always a good sign, even though it means you're still too ill to do stuff, it means you're getting closer. So although I hate feeling bored right now, I do see it as a positive thing.
I'm not actually sure whether this little flare was caused by a cold or not. The cold doesn't seem to have come to anything. Maybe I just overexerted. I don't know. CFS is a mystery.
Flares are always worrying times, because you don't know which ones are the start of a relapse, or which ones you're not going to fully recover from, so when you start to see improvement, it's always a huge relief. It's not the flare I mind particularly (although they're pretty unpleasant), it's the fear that comes with them, and the fact those fears quite often become the reality.