First of all I’d like to thank you all for reading my blog. I’ve now had over 6,000 views which is incredible, so thank you- and sorry for wasting your time reading my moans. In real life I’m actually quite positive and upbeat- honest!
I’m sure you’re all sick of me droning on about it by now, but I’m afraid the difficulty eating/nausea battle I thought I had won is sadly not quite over just yet.. I’ve been struggling to eat again to some extent over the last few days. It’s on and off, but definitely there. It worries me because I know how bad it can get, and I really don’t want to go back there. It’s not normal to feel full before you even start your meal. Maybe it’s because I’m exhausted, I don’t know.. I’m tired, really tired. I’ve had an exhausting few days and they’re taking their toll. But I think it’s more than that. I’m really starting to wonder whether there’s something else going on.
I hate the fact that CFS confuses things so much. Nearly everything can be a symptom of CFS, so it’s impossible to know what to blame it for and what to investigate further. It’s a nightmare. I wish I had something more straight-forward that is better understood, easier to manage and has more definite symptoms rather than the symptom list pretty much being anything and everything.
My abdominal pains are also still a real problem. It’s not so much the severity; it’s the frequency at which they are occurring that’s the real problem. I can’t help but feel that it’s not normal. Not even for a CFS-sufferer.
I’m scared by it all at the moment. I’m worried how ill I’m feeling and the stresses and strains I’m still intending to put my body through over the year ahead. I question whether I’m really strong enough physically, or mentally for that matter. I’m not about to give up on my dreams- things certainly aren’t that bad just yet- but I just wonder what the future holds and whether at some point I’m going to have to make a very difficult decision. I love my uni course, and I’m determined to get a good career in something that I really care about, and I’m still on track to do that as things stand, but it’s not easy. It’s often easy to advise other people, but looking at your own life in the same way can be difficult. I don’t know what the ideal way forward is. I don’t know whether this is just fear talking. Maybe I’m perfectly capable and just scared. I do feel that I have potential, but I also feel that my health is a huge barrier at the moment, and that’s not because I haven’t had loads of people trying really hard to make things work for me, because everyone has been absolutely amazing and gone above and beyond recently for me, which I’m incredibly grateful about.
And then I end up questioning whether I’m worth everybody’s effort. What if it doesn’t work out anyway and everyone has put all this work in for nothing? And that’s not to mention the finances involved. A lot has been invested in my education: time, effort, money, everything. I’ll feel guilty if I don’t make it all the way through. I would feel selfish in a way. I’m carrying on because it’s what I want. There are plenty of things I could have done that would have required far less input from other people. But I do believe everyone deserves a chance in life. Everyone should have aspirations.
I think it’s the end of a hard, exhausting day, and I am maybe over-thinking things a little. Reflection and looking at the wider picture is sometimes good, but I think maybe now is a one-day-at-a-time kind of time, and reflection might hurt more than help.