But a) I had no choice and b) it was the right decision.
I wish I had known then how much better things would be now, one year on. One of my greatest fears was that I would never be well enough to return to uni. But I did. Things are still very difficult and the future is still uncertain and a little bit terrifying, but I'm managing as well as I hoped I would be at this point. Realistically, I wasn't likely to be any better than I am now. I would've obviously liked a lot more, and would love to be more mobile, with fewer symptoms, but I'm back at uni full-time and just about coping. I feel at ease with everything and my symptoms are just about bearable with the medications I'm on. That's about as good as it was ever going to be in only 12 months, particularly bearing in mind the inevitable flares, and the fact my illness had basically been progressive for over 4 years.
There's still a long way to go, but I am incredibly grateful to be where I am. 1 month ago I had no idea whether I'd manage to return to full-time uni. 6 months ago I was terrified about how I'd cope with starting back at uni 3 half-days per week. 8 months ago washing my hair was a major, major challenge and I spent a majority of days in pyjamas and a majority of time in bed. 10 months ago I could barely sit up. 12 months ago I was leaving uni and feeling desperately unsure of what the future would hold. At every stage I have battled and persevered (even though often that was with pacing and rest), and eventually prevailed.
Uni continues to be a challenge, but I am enjoying it. I am facing new challenges with my speech. Independence is still a distant dream. A recent fall (and grabbing a door I was falling towards- black fingers- big mistake!) proves that remaining upright is still a considerable challenge. Walking very short distances is still very difficult and takes a lot of energy and concentration.
But I'm lucky. Really, really lucky. I can sit up, I can study, I can go outside, I can be in busy places, I can wash and dress myself, I can tolerate my symptom levels, I can get around easily on my scooter, I am happy. I have faced severe ME and, to an extent, come out the other side. All those going through the dark times, I vividly remember what it's like, but the light at the end of the tunnel will seem so much brighter because of the darkness you have been through- so get those sunglasses ready! I know I'm only a bad relapse away from ending up back there, but I can't let that haunt me and taint the good times I'm having. If it happens, it happens, but until then I'm going to live life cautiously, but as fully as I can, and appreciate and enjoy every fantastic detail.
A matter of months ago, life felt like a painful ordeal. But I have a pretty good quality of life now, and that means the world to me.
Continuing from where I was last time I updated- my severe headaches did turn out to be the Fludrocortisone so I've been off that ever since.
Speech therapy has been going ok, but my stammer has been very variable and has been truly horrendous at times. I had one week where communication was a massive struggle. I'm finding techniques helpful though and am managing to communicate ok most of the time.
I've had an appointment with my main consultant in which we discussed how I was getting on and also my stammer. My consultant says that stammering isn't something that's typically seen in chronic fatigue, and in his opinion it's most likely to be due to the understandable stress and anxiety caused by trying to do my course with my health problems (particularly as my MRI a couple of years ago was normal), but because my Speech and Language Therapist has raised the question of neurological causes he's going to advise my GP to refer me to Neurology, just to get it checked out. I don't feel particularly stressed or anxious, and my stammer seems to vary of its own accord rather than when I'm more stressed, but I'd rather it was due to anxiety/stress than there be a neurological cause (because the conditions mentioned are rather serious). But we'll see.. Whatever the cause, I just want it to go away, or at least improve. I am, thankfully, coping a bit better with the difficulties it causes now that I'm getting used to it, which is a relief.
I'm quite relaxed about the prospect of a referral to neurology, because although it means another new doctor and more prodding and poking, it will rule things out if nothing else. There has been talk of referral to neurology before so it seems to make sense to get checked out.
I'm eating fine, I'm sleeping well and things seem fairly stable. I would class that as success! I'm grateful to my medical team and thankful things have picked up to the extent they have, plus obviously hopeful things will continue to improve!